Visiting Max's Grave

Originally written as a facebook note on 10/13/10 - I go to the cemetery to visit Max's grave probably twice a week.  Nothing planned or routine, just when I feel the need to go there and touch the reality that his remains are there.   Besides the reality, I do feel a sense of peace being surrounded by the names and flowers of those who are Max's new neighbors.  I talk to God, I cry.  Then I say goodbye until next time.  Tonight, Todd & I realized that Max would really like the orderliness of Resthaven.  The gravemarkers are all standard and uniform.  He would like that they matched.   He was a little OCD and liked things that matched and that were in order.  He made me get rid of all my kitchen drinking glasses because they were a mixed-matched group.  I had just finished making sure all the glasses in the cabinet were perfectly matched when he died.  I can't, for the life of me, change it back!

I, like many parents who lose children, couldn't bear to think of him under the ground, in a casket, with dirt throw on top of him.  I wanted as much freedom for him as possible.  He was in a temporary casket and embalmed for the viewing, and after the funeral, we had him cremated and put in the very top row of the chapel in the cemetery.  What I didn't realize then is that I wasn't going to be able to REACH him to change flowers when I want, I have to rely on the maintenance guys to get a ladder.

My son has not gone once to visit his brother's grave, and I think my husband only went the day we put his ashes there.  We all have cremation necklaces, so we can carry a very small amount of Max close to our heart.  To each his own, many parents do many different things with their children's remains.  I am so very grateful we saved some out and they are not ALL there at Resthaven.

I feel very strange as Max's mama, not having to care for him in some way.  Visiting him there feels like a little something I can still do.  I don't have to do his laundry, keep track of his schedule, feed him, not even clip grass on his grave to keep it looking nice.  Feels very strange to not have ANYTHING left to do for him.    He was 18 and leaving for college when he died in a car crash, but I still did many things to express my love and care for him even though he was perfectly capable of doing those things himself.  I can also keep his vase full of flowers.  He probably wouldn't approve much of the holiday flowers.  He always thought I overdid the holiday decorations.  But it does make me feel like I am still doing something to care for him here on this earth