Job 12 - Wisdom & Understanding

One of the things I am wrestling with tonight is how humans learn from their mistakes, and how I feel robbed because Max will never have the opportunity on this earth to learn from his mistake of driving when he was sleepy.  That mistake cost him his life - HOW UNFAIR!  How unfair MANY families are living with pain similar to mine because of one poor choice, one moment of bad decision, one second in time that can never be taken back.  WE all learn from it, but that ISN'T WHAT I WANT, I want MAX TO BE ABLE TO LEARN FROM IT.

I was meditating on the book of Job, chapter 12 tonight as I try to find wisdom and understanding.

Job 12:10 "In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind"

I think about Max and how excited and anxious we were when I was pregnant with him.  And at that time, I recognized that Max was given life, his very breath, by God Himself.  Why do I struggle so at Max's death in believing the same thing?  Job 12:10 says that IN HIS HAND IS THE BREATH OF MAN.  God gives it.  God is there when that breath ceases.  He created, He IS life, and in his hand is the life of every creature.  I cannot fathom that kind of power.

Job 12:13 "To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his."

I have so many "why" and "what if" questions.  I know in my mind that there is way for my human mind to ever have all the answers.  TO GOD BELONGS WISDOM, COUNSEL AND UNDERSTANDING ARE HIS.  He knows all the answers, even though I never will.  And what my mind is struggling to grasp is that even if I DID have all the answers, it wouldn't matter - Max is still dead.  And how could my human mind ever accept understanding - my heart is too tied to being Max's mama - I will never understand why he was only here 18 years - NEVER while I live on this earth.

Job 12:22  "He reveals the deep things of darkness and brings deep shadows into the light."

My note last night talked about the darkness and how night is the hardest time for me.  And look what God is saying - HE BRINGS DEEP SHADOWS INTO THE LIGHT.  Wow.  So even when all I see is deep shadows, if I give myself over to HIM, He will bring me into the light.

Lord, help me surrender to You in my deepest pain and sorrow.  Help me realize the light around me.  I believe, and yet I cry "help me in my unbelief" (Mark 9:24)  Help me trust that You have all the answers, all the wisdom and understanding and that You held Max in life and hold him still in death.  I beg You to help me rest in that.