Anger!

Originally posted as a facebook note on 10/5/10 - Anyone who "knows" about grief knows that "anger" is a "step" in the process.  I laugh because that all sounds so clinical.  ANGER has certainly been a part of our lives the past eight weeks.  It is not rational and cannot be rationalized with.  It is frequently misdirected.  It comes out in the strangest ways.  It is ugly.  And it is completely and totally normal.

A few ways that anger is hitting today:

• Todd pointed out that we are going to a concert tonight at Bethany that Max should have been a part of.  Instead, we go to memorialize him.
• I am sick of people saying to me that they are worried about Todd & I and our marriage during this time.  One more person verbalizes this to me and I am going to punch them in the face.  Please do not act like a spectator and watch to see if we are going to make it or not. 
• Any and every comment filters through this pain.  Please do not take it personally if we lash out it you, it's not personal.
• I am angry that my friends do not know what to say or how to act around me.
• I am angry with Resthaven because THAT is where I have to visit my son.
• I am angry with time, because it will forever be divided between 'before Max died' and 'after Max died'.
• I am angry that family traditions will have to be changed now because my family is missing someone.
• I am angry that every single obituary in our family will now have the words "proceeded in death by great grandson, grandson, son, brother ... Max McCutcheon"
• I am angry that our monthly budget now has to include therapy costs for all of us
• I am angry that my evenings are taken up by support groups and not activities for BOTH of my children
• I am angry that Wesley has to deal with so many people in a day that don't get it
• For that matter, we all have to deal with so many people in a day that don't get it
• I am angry that I get no future memories with Max, only past memories, only photographs
• I am angry that I no longer care about my business, or my home, or how I look

Well, I could go on and on and on.  But you get the picture.  Sometimes, the ONLY thing I have to hang on to is the initial advice I was given:  somehow, STAY ALIVE and take care of yourself.  Somehow.  I am trying.  The whole thing just SUCKS.