And then.

Most of you know that I used to run a successful organizing business that I closed when Max was killed.  I *loved* organizing.  I loved working with clients, changing lives, making a real difference.  I loved my co-workers, they were amazing, smart, and funny.  I loved being part of the National Association of Professional Organizers, networking and becoming close friends with others who were doing the same thing I was all over the world.   I truly believed it was part of God's purpose for my life.  I was not a fan of running a business, and I simply didn't have it in me to give when Max's crash happened.  It was all I could do to take my next breath and make sure that Todd & Wesley had what they needed.  (I know that sounds overly dramatic, but I can assure you, it was my reality.)   I couldn't think about all that goes with running a business and working with clients.  I had two talented employees who hung with me and tried to keep it afloat for several months and when they left, I shut it down.  And wrote it completely out of my future.  I. Was. Done.  Not defeated, more like resigned to the way things were.   Positive that season of my life was over, my "organizing career" season.   I disconnected the business phone, got rid of most of my supplies, threw away all my business cards, brochures, uniforms, it was dead and gone, just like my oldest son.

And then.

A friend asked me last July if I would help her friend unpack from a move, even though I wasn't organizing any more.  I had tried about a year earlier to take on a client and ended up bailing out.  But I thought, "well, let's give it a try ... again".  And most of you who have been my FB friends all along know that job was actually the spark that re-ignited the fire within me.  Not just for organizing, but for building my life again.  This client was perfectly suited for me in more ways than one.  She was grieving one big loss and several others that stacked on (so was I).  She is not a morning person, so we generally worked starting after 11 or noon and sometimes well into the evening (my best hours too).  She had a few friends, but not many, who could understand her.  I was in the same position simply from the length and depth of my sorrow.  As we unpacked her boxes, we both worked through our grief and our lives.  She saw herself in me, and I in her, and we brought out the best in each other.  I now call her my "soul mate sister".  She has become such a valuable friend to me.

I have a confession that I have hinted about in my blog the last few entries.  I had truly shut down emotionally and physically for many months just before I took that job.  I was self-medicating and living in my bed.  I was resigned to the fact that I couldn't stop taking the lortabs because when I did, I went through severe physical withdrawal symptoms.  With the support and love of my husband and youngest son, I went through out-patient rehab and was required to start going to AA meetings and counseling as part of it.  I had to learn how to let myself "feel" again.  I had a legitimate prescription for the lortab because of my migraines, but I was not just using them for migraine pain.  I was using them for ALL pain.  I'm not ashamed of that time, but I certainly regret I didn't make better choices.  I have been living "drug free" for over 7 months now.

And then.

God took that friend and that organizing job and BLEW IN NEW LIFE to my soul.  It astounds me at how clear my head is when I'm organizing.   I just got home from a job today and I felt so ENERGIZED.  Organizing *wasn't* just God's purpose for a past season in my life.  It's part of my purpose for my WHOLE life.  It just looks different now than it did before Max died.  I am a better organizer because of my sorrow.  That seems strange to say, because I was freakin' awesome at my job before Max died.  (Sorry, not bragging, but I was!)  My motto used to be "when in doubt, throw it out".  But when I was sorting through Max's stuff, my motto changed to "when in doubt, KEEP IT because you will never get it back".  I empathize on a deeper level with my clients.  I'm more patient listening to them and not just doing hands-on work.  And I look at everything as part of "the bigger picture".   I'm able to approach my job and my life with a different perspective.  The little things that used to drive me up the wall now make me shrug my shoulders and I just move on and let them go. 

I truly don't want to run a business ever again, "The Clutter Cutter" will remain closed.  But I'm so glad God has opened some opportunities for me to be able to share my gifts and talents in a small way again.  It's pouring passion into my life again.  I'm grateful.