Healing A Friendship

Many of you already know Angie.  She & I have been friends for a hundred years.  Maybe not quite THAT long.  We've been together since junior high.  She was my maid of honor back in 1989 when Todd & I got married.  I was her maid of honor.  She moved away, then I moved away, then we both finally landed back in Wichita and back into each others lives in 2003.  From 2003 to 2010, we were *tight*, spending every weekend night together with our families blended together, guys against girls in cards (in which we are STILL undefeated, muh-ha-ha).  We shared many experiences beyond fun.  Spiritually we were on many teams serving in Kairos Outside and Emmaus together, we were in the "babe chicks" reunion group together, and attended church together.  We shared life in nearly every way possible, the ways best friends are supposed to. The picture shown with this blog is at my 20 year wedding vows renewal in 2009.


When Max died, the police allowed me to text Todd (not call), but they allowed me to call a friend - and Angie's house was the first phone call I made.  She was there for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually those first impossible days after Max's death.  And then, in her genuine caring words, she tried to comfort me and said and did some things that hit me wrong, and in my extreme pain, I responded badly and hurt her back.  Neither one of us were prepared to respond to a situation we never dreamed we'd face in our friendship - the death of one of our children. There is no training for such a thing!


In my wounded state, I have held those moments against our friendship, not understood how she could not understand, and pulled away from her for many months (nearly two years).  I have shared with other grieving parents who have similar experiences with long-time friends - they have a falling out because of words said in early grief.  When I went on the Spark of Life retreat a couple of weeks ago, she wrote me a letter, saying that although she didn't know what to say or how to say it, her love has never waned for me.  Many others wrote letters to me as well for that weekend, and the overriding theme God allowed me to see was that I had scared MANY of my friends away from comforting me because of my violent over-reaction to their well meaning words.  I decided right then and there that I would no longer allow that to be between our friendship. 

I texted her from the weekend, asked her to meet me for dinner that week, and apologized for driving her away with my reactions.  She opened up about how those reactions had hit her.  She used many descriptive words for how I treated her and others that offended me in those early days of grief - "roasted, skewered, barbequed" ... well you get the idea .... I did not respond in a loving way.  It was humbling to listen to her talk about it from her perspective.


I have many others I need to apologize to, for sure, but Angie was the biggest hurdle for me.  I felt such peace after our conversation!!  Ironically, the walls of protection I had built for myself to keep her out were truly just creating loneliness and isolation for me, at a time where I really craved her friendship. 

One more curious thing ... we are both on the team for the upcoming Walk to Emmaus in the fall.  And guess who was assigned my prayer partner?  (Yep, I always say God has a sense of humor!)  What a different experience it would have been had we not both been willing to humble ourselves, ask forgiveness for our shortcomings, and move forward in love.  I know our time at Emmaus will be that much deeper and richer because of the hardships we've survived.  I'm so glad to have her back and build a future together.  I've missed her. 

Spark of Life "Living Forward" #5

Thanks for following me through all five notes about my "Spark of Life" retreat.  It was a watershed moment in my grieving process, to be sure!  The last piece is the most important, and showed me how to *resolve* regrets and resentments and truly let them go - for real - it is possible. 

Don't get scared away by the title of it, because it's NOT WHAT YOU THINK.  Do you hear me?  Keep reading even if you have a gut-tightening response to the words.  The resolution came through writing a goodbye letter. 

We spent a great deal of time on this concept.  Not "goodbye" to Max - no, never.  That relationship can continue forever ... in a different way than before, yes ... but it will never require me saying goodbye to Max.  But goodbye to the regrets and the resentments.  And "goodbye" is just the way we end the conversation.  It doesn't mean we will never talk to the person again, it's just a word of finality that helps our brain find closure.  So we were to end the letter with the words "goodbye Max" ... but with great clarification!!  

The goodbye letter already has the work done .... it's on the relationship story timeline.  The first paragraph is the intro - hello, that sort of thing.  The second paragraph, you take your "regrets" on the timeline and you write the words "I apologize for ..." and then write it out, sharing your feelings about it.  The third paragraph, you take your "resentments" on the timeline and you write the words "I forgive you for ..." (we also spent a lot of time defining forgiveness, by the way).  The fourth paragraph you write the words "I remember" and share all the good memories from the timeline.  And then you wrap up the letter by saying whatever words of parting you'd like, ending with "Goodbye, (loved one)". 

I wrote my letter, and took it out to my pond, holding my picture of Max, and I read it to him out loud, as well as sharing it with my small group.  And at the end of reading the letter at the pond, I *swear* I heard Max's voice in my head say "goodbye mama" - like no big deal, we'll be talking again (that was not a trick of my brain, I believe God gave me that gift).  I cannot convey properly the sense of peace I had when I was done with this exercise.  Huge. 

You don't write on *every* event on the timeline, or else the letter could be 30 pages long.  Just pick the highlights.  And you can always add a "P.S.", going through the same steps - "I apologize for, I forgive you for, I remember, and "goodbye"."  That allows for resolution - truly letting go - of what you are holding.  It doesn't sound like much on paper, but it was, it surely was.

Much of the content taught on the weekend comes from "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  Reading the book was a good overview of the weekend and reinforced much of what we learned.  I will refer back to it again, no doubt.  Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.

Follow my grief blog at NormalDiedWithMax.blogspot.com

Spark of Life "Living Forward" #4

This is #4 of 5, for the few of you who are reading along with every entry!  This one will be a bit longer, because it contains my BIG "come to Jesus" moment where I found freedom and lost that heavy millstone I had been carrying for two years!

One of the grief activities we completed was a 'relationship story', similar to the loss timeline, we mapped out a timeline of our relationship with the loved one that we'd lost.  Good memories on one side, not so good memories on the other.  The "not so good" side we were to label "resentments" and "regrets".  Resentments are things *they* did to us, and regrets are things *we* did that we would do different/more/better. 

As I started the story, I was having a hard time identifying specific dates or memories of Max.  Of course, I could remember the overall feelings of pride, joy, and love.  I could easily remember his sense of humor as hilarious, his musical talent, and his deep intellect.  When I turned to the other side of the timeline, and started identifying resentments and regrets, my thoughts just came tumbling out.

As I labeled each thing, many things came to light, the biggest of which was that I was ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS with Max for choosing to drive to KC that night.  We had tried to reason with him, that he wouldn't need that futon because in two weeks he was headed to college.  He was hell-bent on getting that thing back - so stubborn, so determined his way was the only right way.  And of course, that decision set off a chain of events that ultimately led to his death and impacted everyone around him.  Now intellectually, I know he did not intend harm with that decision.  And the very day he died, I was told by two people I love that I couldn't blame Max or be mad at Max.  I took that to heart and stuffed it down into my gut, and didn't even realize how much pain that confusion was causing me.  Because somewhere deep inside, I *knew* I was mad at him, but as a "good mom" I couldn't be, right?

So after I wrote that on my timeline, I STOMPED OUT to a pond not too far from the main house and *I LET HIM HAVE IT*.  I called him by his full name "Max William" and I told him how angry I was about that decision and how mad I was at the pain he unintentionally inflicted on my life.  I let it all out and I cried and cried and screamed and stomped.  And then I collapsed on the swing and just bawled my eyes out.  It still brings tears to my eyes to think about that moment.  But it was in those moments of bawling that I realized that it was OKAY that I was mad at him and that it was beyond time for me to let that out!!  I felt a freedom and a weight lifted that I haven't honestly known since he died.  I didn't even know I was repressing that emotion!!

So after I collected myself, I went back inside and finished my relationship story.  And as I was looking at it, I realized that all the negative emotion from those last days were blocking out the good memories - I physically couldn't remember them.  How ironic, since the goal of healing is to be able to recall his life and not his death.  I think if I do this again in a year, the timeline will look much different, because I will have resolved the resentments and regrets (the blog tomorrow will tell you how I did this), and they won't be clouding my vision of Max.  I can't wait to tell you how we were taught to resolve those negative things and let them go ...

In case you are wondering, much of the content taught on the weekend comes from "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  Stay tuned ... I have ONE MORE piece of the puzzle from "Spark of Life" to share with you all.   Remember, I am just giving you the "overview".  Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.

Spark of Life "Living Forward" #3

Numbering my "Spark of Life" notes allows me to share in depth the wonderful concepts I learned on this valuable, intense weekend!  I am not sharing *everything* with you, just the highlights that were significant to me.  #3 will focus on my "loss timeline".   All loss happens within the context of other losses.  To isolate the 'major' loss from all the others, and from our life story, could short circuit recovery.  I have already seen the truth of this through my counseling work, but had never mapped out a loss story before - it was extremely revealing.

The timeline allowed me to see how I learned very early in life that girls don't play nice together.  I've been burned many times on my loss timeline by different close girlfriends ... and this distrust of close women friendships still hinders me to this day.  I identified the loss of our fabulous church in Virginia when we moved home in 2000, something that is still lacking for me as well.  And then Max's death in 2010 and quite honestly, the death of my full and complete trust in God's plan for my life (which I am working on re-building!)


The timeline also opened my eyes to something else that was very helpful.  I've had TWELVE losses in the last two years, including Max.  TWELVE.  Not all "major", but they all layer and weave together.   Since I closed "The Clutter Cutter" to take care of myself and "just grieve", I have been feeling like my progress is painfully slow.  But the mapping of loss helped me see that it was NO WONDER with so much loss piled in to a short amount of time, including a major loss, that it was taking me some serious time to figure out life!  Todd says "2010 should be stricken from the record" it was so full of loss.  This exercise helped me give myself a BREAK!

In case you are wondering, much of the content taught on the weekend comes from "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  Stay tuned ... I will share a bit of each piece of the puzzle from "Spark of Life" with you all week long so you can get a glimpse into the healing that is truly out there.   Remember, I am just giving you the "overview".  Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.

Spark of Life "Living Forward" #2

We spent a lot of time at the retreat "re-defining" some things we've been told or believe regarding grief.  I am going to just breeze over many of them, but a paragraph could easily be written on each one!

"Don't feel bad", "replace the loss", "grieve alone", "just give it time, time heals all wounds", "be strong for others", "keep busy".  None of things are true or helpful - they are myths and we need to learn to flatly reject them.

There is another category - intellectually true but not helpful.  "Be thankful you have other children", "life is for the living", "he/she is in a better place", "all things must pass", "she/he led a full life", "be grateful you had him/her so long", "God will never give you more than you can handle", "at least you can have other children".   Those things may be true, but saying them to a grieving person or believing them yourself does not help you address the pain in your heart!

The last category is the most dangerous.  These beliefs cause the most harm and can be very destructive, and I want to talk a little deeper about each one, because I personally have believed some of these too.

The first I hear *all the time* in the realm of child loss.  "This is the worst thing that could ever happen to me".   Rather than saying that, how about if we say "this is the worst thing that HAS ever happened to me" - now that is truth.  But when you say it is the worst thing that *could* ever happen, how are you setting yourself up if something else that really is worse comes along?  (Many of you just "checked out" because you are still believing that nothing else that is worse can happen).  Believe me when I say I understand how grieving parents feel that way, because the pain is blinding.  Here is another thought.  If I continually say to myself that my loss is the worst ever and nobody can understand except for others who have lost children, I am automatically setting myself up to isolate away from 99% of the people in my life, if not all of them.  Grief is isolating ENOUGH.  Challenge your thinking on this.  Just slightly changing the way you phrase it and believe it can impact your healing.  Related to that (and not covered at the retreat) is that I will *always* be broken-hearted because of my loss.  Same concept.  Forever changed, YES, forever broken - NO.  You have the chance and the choice to heal.  Reject that untruth!

"The more/longer I grieve, the more I prove my love for" ... I don't think people consciously say this, but I hear all the time how it feels disloyal to go out and have fun after a death.  I've felt it myself!  We think we have to stay miserable in order to prove we really loved that person.  Now, reflect on this thought ... when you die, do you want your spouse/children/parents to stay miserable the rest of their lives to prove they loved you?

The last definition I will cover is "guilt".   We feel guilty for EVERYTHING after someone dies.  Words we said, actions we did or didn't do, etc.  We are only truly "guilty" if we intended harm.  So ask yourself, did I intend HARM?  If the answer is no, stop claiming guilt!  It changes to the category of "incomplete" - you wish you had done something MORE, DIFFERENT, or BETTER - those are the things you need to identify - what lies INCOMPLETE in your relationship with the one who died. (The good news is, I learned how to COMPLETE those things and turn loose of them!! - it's coming in a future blog this week).

We've all heard these things and said these things ... but ultimately, if we buy in to any of these things, it can hinder our movement forward in healing.  We must challenge our assumptions by asking why we assume them.

Stay tuned ... I will share a bit of each piece of the puzzle from "Spark of Life" with you all week long so you can get a glimpse into the healing that is truly out there.   Remember, I am just giving you the "overview".  Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.

I am numbering my blog entries for the retreat I just finished this weekend because if I attempted to put *everything* I gained from this weekend in one blog, y'all would stop reading after the first 13 paragraphs!!  The name of the weekend is 'Spark of Life' and the motto is 'Living Forward'.  This retreat at a fantastic bed & breakfast in Texas was COMPLETELY FREE ... that's right ... no charge.

I will confess to you, I thought I was doing a pretty good job of living forward without Max until I got to this weekend.
Certainly each step I have taken to heal is part of that ... I just had no idea the amount of unfinished emotional business I was carrying with Max himself that needed to be completed.  My goal all along is HOW DO I LEAVE THE PAIN OF MAX'S DEATH BEHIND WITHOUT LEAVING *MAX* BEHIND!  I learned this weekend EXACTLY HOW to do so.

This intense, three day "grief boot camp" taught me the steps to identify and complete unfinished emotional business with *any loss* including with Max.   I now carry a very powerful tool in my utility belt!   When I read that the retreat was free of charge, I wondered what the catch was.  The "catch" is that you will be digging deep inside yourself and your pain ...it is hard work!  I have heard that when you can focus on the "life" of your loved one and not their "death", you know you are healing.  Oh I wanted that so badly, and have been working toward that for sure, but it seemed like an endless process ... truly endless.  (It's NOT by the way)

Let me share just one more observation about the entire process before closing for today .... that unfinished emotional business laying unidentified was causing me GREAT PAIN which was blinding me from seeing the good that I can continue carrying forward about Max.  I could not fully smile when I thought of Max without feeling the stab in my gut ... but today I woke up and realized ... I can FULLY SMILE ... for real ... when I think of my son ... NO STAB.

Stay tuned ... I will share a bit of each piece of the puzzle from "Spark of Life" with you all week long so you can get a glimpse into the healing that is truly out there.   Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.