Spark of Life "Living Forward" #5

Thanks for following me through all five notes about my "Spark of Life" retreat.  It was a watershed moment in my grieving process, to be sure!  The last piece is the most important, and showed me how to *resolve* regrets and resentments and truly let them go - for real - it is possible. 

Don't get scared away by the title of it, because it's NOT WHAT YOU THINK.  Do you hear me?  Keep reading even if you have a gut-tightening response to the words.  The resolution came through writing a goodbye letter. 

We spent a great deal of time on this concept.  Not "goodbye" to Max - no, never.  That relationship can continue forever ... in a different way than before, yes ... but it will never require me saying goodbye to Max.  But goodbye to the regrets and the resentments.  And "goodbye" is just the way we end the conversation.  It doesn't mean we will never talk to the person again, it's just a word of finality that helps our brain find closure.  So we were to end the letter with the words "goodbye Max" ... but with great clarification!!  

The goodbye letter already has the work done .... it's on the relationship story timeline.  The first paragraph is the intro - hello, that sort of thing.  The second paragraph, you take your "regrets" on the timeline and you write the words "I apologize for ..." and then write it out, sharing your feelings about it.  The third paragraph, you take your "resentments" on the timeline and you write the words "I forgive you for ..." (we also spent a lot of time defining forgiveness, by the way).  The fourth paragraph you write the words "I remember" and share all the good memories from the timeline.  And then you wrap up the letter by saying whatever words of parting you'd like, ending with "Goodbye, (loved one)". 

I wrote my letter, and took it out to my pond, holding my picture of Max, and I read it to him out loud, as well as sharing it with my small group.  And at the end of reading the letter at the pond, I *swear* I heard Max's voice in my head say "goodbye mama" - like no big deal, we'll be talking again (that was not a trick of my brain, I believe God gave me that gift).  I cannot convey properly the sense of peace I had when I was done with this exercise.  Huge. 

You don't write on *every* event on the timeline, or else the letter could be 30 pages long.  Just pick the highlights.  And you can always add a "P.S.", going through the same steps - "I apologize for, I forgive you for, I remember, and "goodbye"."  That allows for resolution - truly letting go - of what you are holding.  It doesn't sound like much on paper, but it was, it surely was.

Much of the content taught on the weekend comes from "The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman.  Reading the book was a good overview of the weekend and reinforced much of what we learned.  I will refer back to it again, no doubt.  Want to check it out for yourself, see the website - http://www.sparkoflife.org/.

Follow my grief blog at NormalDiedWithMax.blogspot.com