Goodbye "WHY"

As a grieving mama, I have asked 'WHY' at least a million times since August 6, 2010.  Why Max?  Why when he was only 18?  Why when he was so talented and had so much to offer the world was he wiped off this earth?  Why are so many people whom I perceive as "less worthy" of life still here tanking their lives by making bad choices when Max was going places and was such a good kid?  Why my family?  Why do other families get to watch their children go off to college, to get married, to have kids and I don't?  WHY, WHY, WHY.  I've asked myself, my friends, my counselor, my grief groups, my pastor, any other pastor who I talked to, and of course, I have demanded an answer from God.  WHY, God, WHY?  I have read the book of Job in the bible, where Job asked the very same questions.  I have been so frustrated that nobody can offer me an answer.  It all feels so deeply UNFAIR, and of course, IT IS unfair for an 18 year old to be killed in such a random event, falling asleep at the wheel of a car in a tired moment and losing HIS LIFE for that one moment.  I have looked at "WHY" frontwards, backwards, sideways, upside down, and inside out.  And most importantly, I have held it as a barrier between God & I - refusing to move forward in my relationship with God until He gave me an answer.  Any freakin' answer would do, just TELL ME WHY.

I could rationalize in my mind that there would be no answer that would satisfy.  Indeed, if God Himself came down from heaven and told me why, would I ever consider it worth the life of my son?  No, no, no, no my heart cried.  Nothing you or He could say would allow me to say "okay, then I get it now, that's why".   Could that be why God is silent on this?

Last week, knowing I was going to be serving on an Emmaus team, knowing I had a ceremony called "Dying Moments" coming in my weekend, God started telling me that I needed to release the demand to know "why".  I had to lay it down and let it go and start rebuilding my relationship with Him or I would never get out of my bed and start living again, ever.  So came the moment in the weekend.  I walked up to that altar and I held up my demand to Him, and laid it there in obedience, and returned to my seat, all the while telling Him how I wasn't sure I was ready to let it go.  And the pastor stood up and shook his finger at the ladies sitting there and forcefully said in a loud voice, "DON'T YOU DARE CRAWL BACK UP TO THAT ALTAR AND PICK IT BACK UP - LEAVE IT HERE".  That was what it took for me to truly release it.  I sat in that pew and bawled my little eyes out - I truly SURRENDERED it, not just laid it down.  I heard God loud and clear.  I got it.  I will not pick it back up.  I left it there, in that chapel, and I will not ask it again. 

Sometimes accepting that there is no answer *IS* the answer.  And I have now turned that over to the Sovereignty of my Lord and am willing to let Him have it.  I will not ask "why" again with regards to Max's death.  God has it.  Thank you Jesus.  I'm sorry it took me so long to get to this point.  Thank you for being so patient with me.  I look forward to learning to be intimate with You again.  Amen.