2011 Reflections

2011.  This year has been consumed with my grief walk, which off the cuff, would lead me to summarize by saying "it sucked".  But that wouldn't be an accurate reflection of 2011, but rather just the exclamation of a weary soul who is slowly clawing her way back from the dark pit of despair she was flung into on August 6, 2010.

Just a short list of some things from 2011 that are worth sharing and worthy of praise to the Lord -

• I learned that it was actually possible to feel *true joy* again after the death of a child, even if it's only a moment.
• I learned that it was actually possible to *have fun* again after the death of a child, even if it's only for a few hours.
• I've watched my 16 year old son actually *SMILE* again as he found love this year, both with a girl and with his one true love, Jesus.
• I've come to realize that I am much *stronger* than I ever knew and hearts *do* heal. 
• I've found *satisfaction* in giving back some of the blessings that were given to our family in our time of greatest need.
• I've counted myself *blessed* for the strength and depth of my support network and friends, as well as growing in my marriage with my perfect soul-mate.
  
• I've survived 511 days after the death of my oldest son.  That in itself is a miracle worth praising God for.

2011 has also brought some additional deep loss to my life, losing both Kim & Jeanie to death, both gone far too early in my estimation, both leaving behind broken-hearted family and friends.   I further mourn that this is a year that Max never saw here on earth, and the realization that every year I have will now be that way.

The blog I wrote for the end of 2010 was written in desperation, not knowing how I could possibly go into a year that didn't include Max.  I'm not sure I can say "Happy New Year" yet, now or ever.   But here is what I can say on this 2011 New Years Eve -  I'm still standing, and am testifying that God *is fully able* bring back joy, fun, strength, healing, blessings and satisfaction if you allow Him to.  Thank you Jesus.