Originally written as a facebook note on 10/5/10 - I have really been battling denial since Saturday night. I wrote the 'denial' note, and today I found myself thinking that maybe there was a mistake, that it wasn't Max. DUH, I told myself, he would have been home by now if it wasn't Max. It's some elaborate hoax, faked his death, left the country...mysterious reasons I can't understand...
And tonight, at my moms support group, we read an article about how denial hits weeks after the death, how you are NOT crazy or losing it, but rather it is just your mind trying to offer the protection denial brings. And really it just reflects the longing of your heart, the yearning to be with your child.
If this is the best my mind can come up with, it's not very good. Truly it makes me very angry that I am still battling denial nearly 2 months later. I have always thought of myself as strong, but my mind doesn't agree with me!
I go to the cemetery to sit with Max's remains. I force my mind through that first day, as everyone absorbed the news. Over and over, like a broken record. This is how my mind accepts what is real.
I am not crazy, though sometimes I feel that way. I can SO understand why people RUN from this kind of pain and try to find solace in denial. That is no place for me to camp, though. I am glad for the assurance that this insanity is to be expected, it makes me feel more 'normal', as normal as I will ever be again.
And tonight, at my moms support group, we read an article about how denial hits weeks after the death, how you are NOT crazy or losing it, but rather it is just your mind trying to offer the protection denial brings. And really it just reflects the longing of your heart, the yearning to be with your child.
If this is the best my mind can come up with, it's not very good. Truly it makes me very angry that I am still battling denial nearly 2 months later. I have always thought of myself as strong, but my mind doesn't agree with me!
I go to the cemetery to sit with Max's remains. I force my mind through that first day, as everyone absorbed the news. Over and over, like a broken record. This is how my mind accepts what is real.
I am not crazy, though sometimes I feel that way. I can SO understand why people RUN from this kind of pain and try to find solace in denial. That is no place for me to camp, though. I am glad for the assurance that this insanity is to be expected, it makes me feel more 'normal', as normal as I will ever be again.
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