Originally posted as a facebook note on 9/27/10 - 8/6/10 - Friday morning - 7:32 a.m. is what time Max's death certificate says the accident happened. He wasn't "officially" declared dead until 7:58 a.m. when EMS arrived on the scene. I was blissfully asleep at that time (which now I feel unreasonably guilty for!). Wesley had to be at band camp at 9:30, so I had my alarm set for 9:00. I woke up around 8, and rolled over and asked Todd if Max was home yet, and he said no, he didn't think so, but he would call him and check in, then I dropped back to sleep.
I had just gotten out of bed and the cat was circling around me, which indicates that she was out of food or water, so I went to her bowls and had just picked up her empty water dish when the doorbell rang just after 9:00. The dogs went crazy barking, and Wesley was in the shower. I had seen the two police officers walk past my front windows, so I was already headed to the door.
I never, for one second, thought they were there about Max. Even when they started talking and telling me about an accident on the Kansas turnpike. I don't know whether I was still just waking up, or just plain dumb, but it didn't occur to me that this was even in the realm of possibility! They told me they hated to be the ones to tell me this, but Max had died in a car accident. I remember very plainly a burning sensation, starting at the tip of my head, spreading through my body, burning all the way down. I know now that was my body's "fight or flight" hormones being released. The mom who leads my support group says it takes YEARS for those hormone levels to return below toxic level. I remember arguing with them, telling them no, that wasn't right, NO, NO, that can't be right. Yes, ma'am, I am afraid that is right.
They asked me to put my dogs up and told me they had to come in. I was shaking uncontrollably, and took the dogs to the bedroom. Once I closed the door, I realized that my phone was in the room with the dogs, so I turned back around to go and get it. I burst into the bathroom, where Wesley had just gotten out of the shower, and blurted out the horrible news. I told him to let Kim Vogt know he wouldn't be coming to band camp, but not to tell her why. I regret that now, I should have been the the one to call her, I should have told her the news rather than letting her find out through kids and text messages later that day.
Back out to the police officers, they asked me where my husband was. I explained to them that they couldn't "go" to his work, because he went to different houses all day (he repairs appliances). I was going to call him and they wouldn't let me. They said maybe I could text him, which I did, "come home, immediately, right now". He immediately called me, to which I just said come home and hung up. The police asked me if I had a pastor they could call, and where was my phone book. They called Mike at Aldersgate, while I called my mom and told her just to come. I know I was hysterical at that point, she was frantic to get to my house, where the police told her as well.
I called our best friends, Barry & Angie, and blurted out the news to Barry. He said they were on their way. Mike arrived, talked to the police. My mom arrived with my grandpa & uncle (who were going to breakfast with her), then Todd came home. From there, it is a complete blur. I just remember bits and pieces.
I remember sitting on the couch and someone stroking my hair while I was surrounded with my best girlfriends. I remember the scream that came out of my mom's mouth when the police told her. Todd grabbing the counter so he wouldn't fall over after he had heard the news. I remember Wesley making sure he was right at our side when anyone new came to the porch and we had to tell them the news or hug them because they had just heard. I remember how unbelievably hot it was that day. I remember sitting on the back porch with Mike and Trinity, talking about salvation and Max being in heaven. I remember calling Paul, telling him that Max had been killed in a car wreck, and his strangled cry reply of "oh", and then him showing up much later that night, in from Kansas City. I remember Craig & Veronica bringing in food. I remember Nate rubbing my shoulders and making me a smoothie. I remember thinking I was going to be sick if I ate anything, but Nate making sure that I took another bite of food.
I remember slowly gathering everything up, like Max's memory book, his quilt, the picture he painted in elementary school. I remember Kathy, screaming into the phone when she realized it was Max that had died, and how she dropped everything and came over. I remember an endless flood of people, SO many friends and family, so many acts of kindness. I remember thinking how I didn't want a kleenex because I was perfectly fine letting my face be wet with tears. I remember asking Mike what I should do next, and he said it wasn't a race, that no decisions had to made that first hour. I remember listening to Trinity wailing in the room below our bedroom, Max's room, where she would sleep for several nights. I remember when it first hit me that Trinity wouldn't be our daughter-in-law after all. I remember not wanting to turn the light off when we finally went to bed that night because I didn't want that day to be over, that last day that Max was on this earth.
Todd thinks it's good that the first day is somewhat of a blur. I feel like I want to remember every detail. It's like, if I let go of any of those memories, I am letting go of part of Max, which still feels way too early and too wrong to be doing.
I had just gotten out of bed and the cat was circling around me, which indicates that she was out of food or water, so I went to her bowls and had just picked up her empty water dish when the doorbell rang just after 9:00. The dogs went crazy barking, and Wesley was in the shower. I had seen the two police officers walk past my front windows, so I was already headed to the door.
I never, for one second, thought they were there about Max. Even when they started talking and telling me about an accident on the Kansas turnpike. I don't know whether I was still just waking up, or just plain dumb, but it didn't occur to me that this was even in the realm of possibility! They told me they hated to be the ones to tell me this, but Max had died in a car accident. I remember very plainly a burning sensation, starting at the tip of my head, spreading through my body, burning all the way down. I know now that was my body's "fight or flight" hormones being released. The mom who leads my support group says it takes YEARS for those hormone levels to return below toxic level. I remember arguing with them, telling them no, that wasn't right, NO, NO, that can't be right. Yes, ma'am, I am afraid that is right.
They asked me to put my dogs up and told me they had to come in. I was shaking uncontrollably, and took the dogs to the bedroom. Once I closed the door, I realized that my phone was in the room with the dogs, so I turned back around to go and get it. I burst into the bathroom, where Wesley had just gotten out of the shower, and blurted out the horrible news. I told him to let Kim Vogt know he wouldn't be coming to band camp, but not to tell her why. I regret that now, I should have been the the one to call her, I should have told her the news rather than letting her find out through kids and text messages later that day.
Back out to the police officers, they asked me where my husband was. I explained to them that they couldn't "go" to his work, because he went to different houses all day (he repairs appliances). I was going to call him and they wouldn't let me. They said maybe I could text him, which I did, "come home, immediately, right now". He immediately called me, to which I just said come home and hung up. The police asked me if I had a pastor they could call, and where was my phone book. They called Mike at Aldersgate, while I called my mom and told her just to come. I know I was hysterical at that point, she was frantic to get to my house, where the police told her as well.
I called our best friends, Barry & Angie, and blurted out the news to Barry. He said they were on their way. Mike arrived, talked to the police. My mom arrived with my grandpa & uncle (who were going to breakfast with her), then Todd came home. From there, it is a complete blur. I just remember bits and pieces.
I remember sitting on the couch and someone stroking my hair while I was surrounded with my best girlfriends. I remember the scream that came out of my mom's mouth when the police told her. Todd grabbing the counter so he wouldn't fall over after he had heard the news. I remember Wesley making sure he was right at our side when anyone new came to the porch and we had to tell them the news or hug them because they had just heard. I remember how unbelievably hot it was that day. I remember sitting on the back porch with Mike and Trinity, talking about salvation and Max being in heaven. I remember calling Paul, telling him that Max had been killed in a car wreck, and his strangled cry reply of "oh", and then him showing up much later that night, in from Kansas City. I remember Craig & Veronica bringing in food. I remember Nate rubbing my shoulders and making me a smoothie. I remember thinking I was going to be sick if I ate anything, but Nate making sure that I took another bite of food.
I remember slowly gathering everything up, like Max's memory book, his quilt, the picture he painted in elementary school. I remember Kathy, screaming into the phone when she realized it was Max that had died, and how she dropped everything and came over. I remember an endless flood of people, SO many friends and family, so many acts of kindness. I remember thinking how I didn't want a kleenex because I was perfectly fine letting my face be wet with tears. I remember asking Mike what I should do next, and he said it wasn't a race, that no decisions had to made that first hour. I remember listening to Trinity wailing in the room below our bedroom, Max's room, where she would sleep for several nights. I remember when it first hit me that Trinity wouldn't be our daughter-in-law after all. I remember not wanting to turn the light off when we finally went to bed that night because I didn't want that day to be over, that last day that Max was on this earth.
Todd thinks it's good that the first day is somewhat of a blur. I feel like I want to remember every detail. It's like, if I let go of any of those memories, I am letting go of part of Max, which still feels way too early and too wrong to be doing.
No comments:
Post a Comment