Denial!

Originally posted as a facebook note on 10/2/10 - No, no, no.  This cannot be happening.  I look at your picture, and that is all the physical that I have left, that is how I have to hold on to you now.  I look at videos of you, and your slender frame, and then my mind flashes to you laying in a casket.  NO, my mind shouts.  The tears start pouring from my eyes.  No. No.  Not right.  Not right.  These are the words I said to the police as they stood on my porch that hot Friday morning.  There must be some mistake.  Max is coming home from Kansas City.  No, they say, he is dead.  He is on his way to the morgue in Topeka for an autopsy.  No.  No.  Not right, not right.  How can that be?  My beautiful 18 year old baby.  The horrible details they share of the crash, of how you tumbled from the vehicle.  Laying in the grass, too late to save, already gone.  The wounds I see on your body that the makeup cannot hide.  They make me physically sick.  I hope with all of my being that you did not feel the pain.  Of bleeding.  Or your heart stopping.  I want so much to believe that you did not know anything but darkness here as your eyes closed in death and Jesus took you away to the heavens.  Not even a split second of worry that the two girls with you were about to crash as well.  I know it would have broken your heart to know any suffering the crash brought on them as well. How I can go on when our family now has a big hole in it?  My family pictures will never be right again, there will always be someone missing.  How can you be at Resthaven?  Your ashes sitting in the grave.  It's so cold tonight, I know you cannot feel it.  This is the most wrong ever.  A mom is not supposed to lose a child, no.  NO NO NO.

They say denial is my mind's way of protecting me.  If only such protection existed.  There is no such protection from the reality that you are now gone.  I will never again see you come in the back door, running downstairs to grab something before dashing off again.  Never hear your amazing laugh.  See your funny smile.  Hear your voice.  Watch you perform.  Watch you grow - you were still getting taller.  How tall would you have been?  Your shoes are huge.  How big would your feet have finally been?  I will never have the joy of knowing.  I have been robbed.  Our family has been robbed.   We trust God, but we still ask WHY in our humanness, why only 18 years God?  I wanted him longer, I was NOT done being his mom here.  I was not ready to turn him over to you for eternal care.  No, this cannot be happening.  No.